X and Z...

Beloved Howard,

What an X is capable of, we have already been exposed to in an inspirational, somewhat defined yet highly enjoyable and unending monologue by God...so I will not launch in to one of my own monologues about the power of an X, which is obviously extremely paradoxical coz these letters are nothing but monologues, where I have never been able to get a single response from you EVER love.
A ‘Y’ in my life seems highly unlikely and therefore I am forever and very helplessly if I may add, pondering over the X and the Z. I am forever pondering over my Z and a home with him at the end of the world...where he sings to me and I sit on the floor and sketch his various forms. I ponder over the X with whom I nearly had a home at the end of the world and with whom I sat on the floor and sketched other forms. The same X with whom I once shared Bed n Breakfast...and the same man whose scent wouldn’t leave me for days. He is the same man I once tormented into appreciating the larger things in life....and even though I was recently spotted defending small things...I am STILL the God of Big Things....wherein the small things remain small and unnoticed, as is their purpose and place in the world.
This X...the Ghost as you may recall....has often thought of me at the most inopportune of times...mostly when I am fantasising about other men his age...or even pleasuring them. It’s as though he sits in the shadows, waiting with “breath that is bated”....for me to find something close to the average wholeness I have resigned to accept in his absence, and then he makes his move...makes me fall in love with his voice every time I have tried to hear what other voices are trying to sing to me. He was my albatross to carry for the past three years, an albatross I sometimes resigned to hug and make love to despite it being dead. He was my “ORIGINAL” sin. He was my first brick on the pathway to eternal damnation. YET, I cannot help but give in to the fact that there may be diversions along the way...but it is possible to find somebody who completes you in the first round of stepping in the ring. The bell clangs and you are pushed out of your closeted corner to face the “enemy”. The “enemy” here being the Ghost...the Ghost who unlike other spirits did not continue and move further away from me...it stuck along for the ride...and followed me around to my bed everyday...when I would wake up with a moistness in my palm, and goose pimples on my neck...as though He’d held my hand through the night and kissed my neck as I stirred awake. When I’m finally awake a whispered cry escapes my lips...a cry for him to cradle me against his sweet smelling chest and a cry to take me...Right here in the middle of my R.E.M.
The Ghost never once after my crass dismissal showed up again, not even to hear my apologies, but one day by the hand of “my new Goddess?”, he startled me awake one night, and his wispy voice breaking through the dimensions of bad reception, choked out the words I realized I’d been longing to hear only then, “I miss you to death.....”. The confession was followed by a very “pregnant pause” ..and then when I found my voice, groggy and confused from not having been used for so long(read three years)...”I miss you too...I’ve never stopped missing you...I can’t even being to tell you how much”......
The confessions were followed by a resolve....I know what I want...there isn’t much I have to lose...I will persevere...and I will make myself unavoidable..And irresistible...
The Ghost was driven away using a combination of Voodoo and other cauldron tricks I never knew I was aware of...those same tricks seem to be needed now...for the concoction of my Z....for eternity this time...

Goodnight Love

Yours in Deep Love
Choleric