Beaded Jingle..

Dearest Howard,
It is that time of the year again....the time when I get off my marijuana trips long enuff to give in life altering submissions....
some say its futile...."You will definitely win this Choleric.."....some say its completely worthy.."(hahahahh...hes soo screwed)"...yeah well so THEY can get their goodnights sleep..
eitherways...none of the above mentioned reasons ever stopped me...they are as they always have been....ineffective...at least in their purpose...i ALWAYS make sure honey that i lock the door and that nobody gets in...
so maybe this time is different...this time i might actually LOSE....like seriously....i might ACTUALLY be declared the next-thing-to-dread...rather than my usual the-next-big-thing crap...
well eitherways, i might actually be grounded then Howard....coz u have NOO idea..how this has gone to my head..
there may have been times when i saw myself in the mirror and did not reconize myself and walked into my own reflection coz it looked just soooooooooooooooooooooooo minimalistic.....
i can almost hear the applause..the roar of the crowd as I stand at the front of the catwalk...smiling at someone else's victory yet again.....smiling like a trained professional at a beauty pageant....secretly hoping the winner trips and falls on his face..or im pretty sure in this case...HER face...
so does this make me a bad person??....does it make me human?.....does my existence here get validated?....where are all these questions coming from??.....
how many faliures must I see Howard...before they start to go to my head...
and as though Her sin is not great enough for no redemption....guess who walked into my measly existence and demanded her share at power??..the Princess...yes...she is back from her little trip to her Kingdom...of which AAAYYEEE was King once...and she has decided that One is Not Enough!!!.....well ill be damned if i say so....but ill say it nonetheless....Hallelujah..Amen or watever form of confirmation u conform to...this aint ur turf anymore...and One Sin is quite enough for Me.....
Well not really in the mindset for more abstract encounters....

Urs Truly
Choleric

The Story of a Death Foretold...

Dear Howard,
Today i come to you, procrastinated, off my high horse and tail between my legs....and despite ur atrocities against me...I am....even in my own dream world...finally acknowledging the need for such a feeling inside me....the feeling of being tamed, being conquered, being hooked...
A subject, a slave, whatever, once told me that the pleasure in pain was undefinable and could not be put down in words...because perhaps it could not be compared with anything I had already experienced.....that worked as a placebo for me....my pacifier... for it gave me an extreme sense of superiority...anything i couldnt relate to....was perhaps not worth relating to..
But today, is when you got me Howard.....today....you see me in my seamless bodysuit, my self jacquard lace and my mother of pearl necklace........these are perhaps the only things I was ACTUALLY born with....
So Howard, let's evaluate(for the six hundredth times) our short but life-altering stint....
It all perhaps started when a cape seeker wished me to adorn her with my beauty...and using her as a cover...I discovered YOU Howard..
YOU......the beacon of light...among a thousand suns......YOU....the only actual KEEPER of the light.....YOU...the life and soul of whatever I may call mortal...
It was our first night-long conversation that left me gasping for breath Howard..quite literally..I was too high on weed.....and int he midst of all the gasping and the retching....I told myself...this is the only who shall carry my heart....oh what a vestige it has been to me anyways.......
And guess wat...despite my constant badgering you like a lovelorn mother nature...and despite my ACTUAL love for you....you denied me...WHY Howard WHY??
i already know the answer...a part of you wanted me to suffer for who I am..and since you couldnt directly shower me with suffering....you chose to let me do it to me......another of your blind fallacies Howard....if there is one thing you should've known about me...it was that i CANNOT suffer...i AM wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too much of a narcissist...and guess who lead me to discover the most beautiful side of me....the most lovable side of me..even if not..it grew on me....i was persistent.....i MADE me fall in love with me..to perhaps fall out of love with you??...
And then, the Coup-de-Grace....on me.....for being what YOU made me??...
If only life gave people like you secod chances..you would be at my feet..begging for forgiveness....well...ur not as dramatic...but I could put my money on the fact that you still wish i were beig tamed by thee.....
Forgive me father..i was Vain....

Goodnight Howard(six feet under)
Yours in Reminiscence...
Choleric

GossipGirl is back in Town!!

Dear Howard,
Its Christmas, and guess wat, im playin Santa's little helper today. So in true christmas tradition and spirit....Im gonna rescue a Bitch(from being lost of course)...
My latest accomplice in the search for truth...is falling..he's falling as Satan once fell....deflowered and deconstructed...with no more than a pair of simmering wings to account for it....
I feel as though its my (moral??) obligation....to rescue his gasping flame..(which really wasn't mucht o begin with)..nonetheless.....its a fairy flame..n i WONT let it die..
as u MUST be aware...the accomplice i speak of is ofcourse the Insectivore..shall we call him??
Yes, he had been feeding on insects of the lowest order in the food chain...those that convinced him of his fallacies...those that convinced him of his lackluster spirit...he was NEVER able to identify with his true honest and yes...baser instinct....so yeah....if it came to that..he would probably go to heaven...
but who are WE immortals to worry about heaven and hell....it will forever be what we chose..
and hence after going at it with him for nearly a lifetime...i gave him what many could give their right testicles for....and wer i come from....ur balls are EVERYTHING....and yet its the one truth...they would all willingly give up their lives to hear just once....its the truth of life...I've known it all my life..
ill tell ya Howard....Can u keep a secret??
yeah??...so Can i..
Merry Christams Howard...

Yours Secretively
xoxo Choleric

ASSHOLE!!!

Dear Howard,
If u only knew the extent of my lust for a murder right now, you would be SOOOOOOOO proud of me...
arrrggghhh......how human can i feel rite now??....definitely not more than i already feel....as my blood crudles and screams to burst out of my veins, so it may taste anothers...not ina pleasurable manner...refuses to listen..refuses to pay attentio to my reason..refuses to be tamed..
so in the true manner of a student of yours, should i commit my first murder??....or should i kill my ego and respond to y baser instinct...my almighty ego..
should i reevaluate the importance of a life...a peaceful life....n not as a convicted murderer??...or MUST i listen to the SCREEEEAMING of my veins..
my heart knows no barriers and it wishes to burst out of my chest....or perhaps climb its way up my throat..
might I pay attention to it..or does it not matter.....is it really the most harmful vestige in my body??....is it the organ i regret most from god??...so why not do it...
why not just ket it burst and be done wiht it...
be what ive always proclaimed myself to be..a cold blooded HEARTLESS bitch...
as inane as i may seem today...i have no respect for myself...
i let MYSELF fall again.....fall into a trap i KNEW existed..
i HATE being sucha foolish ol prat who loves prancing in and outta love as though its ever done a happy thing to me....
i hate me ...i hate me..i hate me...and this is live feed from OUR lovechild...my friggin EGO!!!!!!!
oh whatever Howard...even in times like these i can't help but think evil of you....i hate that you still have such a friggin strong hold on me...no matter hoe much i hate it...THAT i think..as of now...is the only immortaly thing about me....

goodnight Howard
Yours Mortally
Choleric

Animal Fever..

Dearest Howard,

Today was indeed an extraordinary day in terms of my exposure to ultraviolet culture. Today, I saw Africa. No, not the way we're usually accustomed to. I saw it up close..in my own hands...and it stared back almost challenging me to pass a judgement. But therein, in the stare i found myself face-to-face with my greatest mortal enemy...confrontation. Yes...as with Africa and as with the Wicked Stepsisters, I was unable to generate a truly deserved confrontation. There was no greater desire in me than to...perhaps...SCREAM my balls out...but as with every other fag in this blessed city......you will not see confrontation when met with an even or an outshining match. But aren't these confrontations as important as our first flight....our first cliff dive....or losing our virgiity......for they are the ones that make us...well...capable of confrontation??????

Well..leaving confrontation issues aside...

There is a fact I havent been able to confront till date...a fact..more like a skeleton...which through the course of time...has become coated with the flesh of need, of values, of compromise and of course laughter....

It has become victim, as with other skeletons that weren't completely confronted and put to R.I.P..., a little human being with an identity of its own..but as hollow as the layers of flesh it is built upon. It is with greatest regret that I have ot inform you Howard, that I have become victim to the same growth of flesh. Nevermind..today is the day...the D DAY..

The princess has always been an omnipresence...the excuse or the cause I ahve never been able to provide to myself and the other unworthy deliberations, I have been unable justify.
However, today the Princess moves away, to her final resting ground..and while the world glorifies it and "celebrates" it...I mourn as an old-hag of a party pooper, the loss of an accomplice....

I chose her to be the power holder while I sometimes resigned to my harem of misery..and self evaluation...But she was unworthy...she was unjust...and she wasfoolish to believe....that the world would bend over and let her screw em in the arse...

And THAT is what iwas willing to share...with her....the power...the lust.....the scent...She gave it all up for what....a little validation? Forgive me Howard, but i fear that today is another day..and I have had a desperate realization..and you know how well i respond to these...Im somehow..okay with the fact that i never recieved any validation from you...for it would've mad einto another one of them mortals...foregoing and amateur at everything they do....

Thanks to never being validated....I've been acclimatised to a world full of me...

"the Name on everybody's lips is gonna be...

ROXIE.."

So while, as mentioned before, today IS another day.....and I will perhaps retract from my statement tomorrow...I am not still completely mesmerised by you..

I will miss you perhaps till the end of eternity...which is SOOOOOOOOO another day's discussion again.....I am starting to get over you..

Yours SINCERELY..

Choleric

The Missing Report...

Dear Howard,
Today after all the thrill of life filled me up....I realized how alone I was in the midst of a multitude. It wasn't YOUR absence Howard, quite surprisingly, which took me for a spin...it was my previous adventure's..or my previous Trick's.....as they like to call it. My Go-Go boy.....who seemed to "Go" everywhere but me. It was his departure from my holy land, and then his absence, that sort of sank into my skin....when i was with everyone i most desired. It was HIM....not Jesus, not even Satan(yes after all this time)....and definitely not you. He who had shown me how they French in Hollywood....he who'd brought me face to face with HIV...and he who told me of many misadventures........ just like myself.....
He was a wonder all right ...n now he's gone...he never called back..
Now i know what you must think of me right now.....I'm obsessing over another man I can't have...or thats probably the reason Im obsessing over him in the first place...But that is where I have your number Howard...for this isn't my usual obsession..infact it isnt an obsession at all...it is purely academic...laugh out loud and clear, high pitched and shrill of course....
No, Howard....this one even i cant describe in words, even I cant "pray tell" you....even I cant seamlessly knit into a comlicated cable of words and sounds and consonants and vowels and make it sound elaborate and complicated..for it isnt really....
Its as simple as can be..i Like someone...and there is well only one reason for it... the pron in question is vey likeable....has several qualities I seem to like in people...
nevermind the "qualities".....this discussion isnt open for your vacant stare....

goodnight howard
Yours In Liking...
Choleric

Along came Holly

Dear Howard,
You would be pleased to know that I am better, despite the near fatal attempts on my ego...yes, yes Howard, oppurtunity has its price. A very peculiar smell was about me all day long. Something I recalled from somewhere, but couldnt quite place my finger on it. And then it came to me, just as voilently as I was risen from my slumber today. It was the scent of a man, a man i had long left behind, but perhaps, actually most obviously I hadn't quite. And again, as voilently as the previous thought, I sneezed and forgot all about it. Then in the evening as I sat pondering upon the well....not-so-charming day....I again drifted to thoughts of His scent. The scent that drove me wild into an Edward Cullen like frenzy(the frenzy i refer to here is what he sends me into the second i lay eyes upon him..yummm)......and i realized why it was of sucha consequence to my every sense and why it refused to leave my side. It was the scent that unlike the superficial Canel (for comfort) and the Hermes that He's always worn....i was a scent i realted to his semi-nude, uncoutured, dislabelled, and unsown body emannated. But it wasn't just another bodily scent. That wouldn't make me very discernable froma mere mongrel would it....??..It was the scent of his well...privates??..shall i say...and how did I familiarize myself with the scent??...Well, thats another days discussion......but yes everytime that man came close to my body and everytime I pushed myself against His stomach, I would be drugged on this scent and everything ceased to exist thereon.
His every breath would perhaps instill in his glands a new energy..and they would froth with the scent, until His whole being became one with the scent and I would alone in a room with just a scent and the world would mean no more.
Of course I realized my folly here, ad quickly reverted back to my original thoughts of the not-so-charming day......
well for updates..the Princess is gliding in and outta the room, unfazed and unfettered....Her Prince is a very patient man...and Daiiiimmmm girl I think he's gettin his dues(with interest)..
The Freudian has decided it is no longer wise to be a subject of humiliation and taken a coupla stands.....one of them it seems is to not call me I'm guessing......
The Shakes his belly like a bowlful of jelly guy, has been perhaps the only sane one present in these trying times....or as Roxie would put it..."It was like..he was makin love to a Carbeourator"....VERY VERY efficient......
so thats all from me Howard...hope ur fine.....
And someday I hope to recieve one of these from you...

Yours till eternity do us part
Choleric

a Toast to animals and Oil spills

Dear Howard,

Today a mere sight caught my fancy....the sight of a memory...of course preserved by none other than the fresh pickles of a very short time. The sight was of an oil spill in the ocean, where through the random concussive nausea and the arbit inane stream of thoughts in a golden chain with your namesake engraved in it, I was finally able to see.....I was able to see Howard...the purpose of my existence..at least in the present tense...
It is I believe to glorify, the absurdity of the oil spill....the mere notion of it being an accident and hence the cause of many many absurd consequences..
Im no environment freak.....so Im just gonna go ahead and say it...the absurdity of an oil spill is perfectly clear to me..and so is its purpose...Well of course some animals die....as would I and as have you already.....but the brilliance of an oil spill can only be appreciated from a distance..
So while i may represent aqautic fuana..I would only be thinking of the ones dead...especially of oil spills.....and heres the twisted part....would feel happy...No of course not...not when i lay eyes upon the poor dead animals....but when I think of the brilliance it must have experiences int hose brief but very remarkable moments of death...
So I can only wonder....as it dissolved into nothingness, was it thankful..for the final brilliant oppurtunity...to be able to say.."now i can die n go to heaven"...??
hope Im half as lucky...

Yours Luckily

Choleric

and then there was Darkness...and it was all good..

Dear Howard,

You would be pleased to know that i've broken my heart again today. The intrument in question was a man very much like urself....infinitley patient, monstrously benevolent, GORGEOUS if i might add...but then again...he was nowhere as coldblooded as you ever were Howard. He could not look a cyclist in in the eye and tell him to stick it where the sun dont eva shine.....

He never sang to me..and unlike you never even played a recorded ballad..and he definitely never dedicated a song to me..so i guess I WILL age with time..

but then again(aftereffectsofareturnedphonecall), he was the man who made me believe, that there are more out there, more MEN that is....that the world IS full o sugga dadies...only you gotta go out there and look for em. He got me to stop holding the creator, the beholder as the one and only...."love" of my life......he made it possible fro me to see the world as a room full of oppurtunity....and flesh.....

he was able to convince me to have a threesome, one with me, him and my ego....and he taught me to fuck my ego....and enjy it...and i taught my ego to slut around and screw everyone and still live to talk about it...loudly enough for the lampposts to hear...we all know aboout their intuitiveness.....

eitherways.....as only soomone as immortal as me can put it, i hope he's happy....with his tiny deflated ego and the withOUT mine.....for now he has to seek a new master to train him...a new ego to feel insecure about...a new CONSPICUOUS enough human subconciouss to look after and again...be trained by...

there is nothing immortal about the ego of course.....its how he'll think of it....whish will be immortal....

we all g our entire lives trying to be immortal...TRYING to be remembered by that one act..thta one second of exhiliration, that one caught breath in the sinuses of the cumulative masses...that digusting distaste....

take care then love

yours immortally

Choleric